Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
