He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
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I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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