He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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