Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
