bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
