at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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