I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
