Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize