fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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