i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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