If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
