Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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