im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
