Texts From Last Night

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  (804): View more from Virginia

  my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.

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  (804): my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go. http://tfl.nu/0t5u
  Replies (26) Good night (4562) Bad night (1407)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.

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  (617): Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south. http://tfl.nu/h1ys
  Replies (26) Good night (717) Bad night (3102)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.

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  (703): Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates. http://tfl.nu/cs1d
  Replies (24) Good night (1639) Bad night (4134)
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  (518): View more from New York

  alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

  (1-518): View more from New York

  dude. you drew those with your dick

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  (518): alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from? (1-518): dude. you drew those with your dick http://tfl.nu/4t0i
  Replies (24) Good night (7337) Bad night (1473)
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  (707): View more from California

  why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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  (707): why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas? http://tfl.nu/mq53
  Replies (15) Good night (6239) Bad night (1239)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass

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  (508): Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass http://tfl.nu/5gce
  Replies (26) Good night (4116) Bad night (1130)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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  (218): Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about http://tfl.nu/idfh
  Replies (23) Good night (1397) Bad night (6239)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment

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  (720): It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment http://tfl.nu/cuki
  Replies (8) Good night (1668) Bad night (797)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.

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  (907): We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab. http://tfl.nu/cfiv
  Replies (7) Good night (2035) Bad night (685)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!

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  (781): I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!! http://tfl.nu/j0eq
  Replies (7) Good night (1724) Bad night (574)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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  (701): Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man. http://tfl.nu/tr3t
  Replies (7) Good night (3079) Bad night (444)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

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  (218): Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube? http://tfl.nu/2h8u
  Replies (7) Good night (1924) Bad night (537)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?

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  (208): Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/sft8
  Replies (3) Good night (733) Bad night (349)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it

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  (267): Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it http://tfl.nu/yaso
  Replies (0) Good night (308) Bad night (534)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.

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  (512): Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale. http://tfl.nu/qpyu
  Replies (1) Good night (563) Bad night (292)

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