OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?