I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?