im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
