I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
