I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
is it fun? or sober?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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