The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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