I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
