That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
