8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
