and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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