At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish I only lived at night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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