Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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