Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How naked do you want me to be?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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