Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
