and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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