yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
