I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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