Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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