It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
