I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
