I got chris browned last night
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
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The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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