oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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