made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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