Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hippo gnu deer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
