every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
