I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
