he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
