i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
