Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
