I accidentally had phone sex last night
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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