Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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