I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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