You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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