apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
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You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
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I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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