Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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