I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Soap is not a condiment
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
