we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
