The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
