My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
