i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Is it because I queefed?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
