we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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