The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
